A few weeks ago, our 5 year old son, Tal, looked to be having onset symptoms of a seizure. He complained about the same area on his head that was radiating back and forth with pain like it had the previous two episodes that sent him to the hospital.
My “Uh-oh’s and what if’s” were having a field day in my mind.
The doctors at the ER didn’t see the Tal we saw. They saw, “all in” Tal. In whatever he does, he does it with everything he’s got.
It turned out that he could have had an onset of a seizure, but the fact remained that he didn’t and we had a follow up MRI coming up that would confirm whether the tumor was gone.
MRI day comes and Tal confidently walks with a spring in his step into the hospital, greeting the workers on the way to the elevator, and leading us to the room. We met with the anesthesiology team and sign off on papers for his anesthesia prep, and Tal just does what he needs to do with no hint of fear and all smiles. Dad accompanied him to the anesthesia room as he gladly leads the way, like a little general directing everyone on where to go. He sprang up on the table like a human catapult and eagerly went through the now memorized steps, making the anesthesia team proud and overjoyed to have him as their patient.
How is it that he can be so trusting and confident, God?
I ponder a child’s relationship with their parent, our own relationship with our children. I realize that when they first get up, they look to me to feed them and instruct them on what to do in their day. When they don’t understand something, they come and ask, trusting in our response. When they make or learn something new, they’re excited with joy overflowing to share it with us in hopes that we would respond in same. When they seek comfort or have a boo boo, they will hunt us down like bear cubs in search for mama and papa bear. When they need help with homework, tying their shoes, riding their bike; they don’t hesitate to call for help. When they do something wrong, they’re quick to ask forgiveness and acceptance once again. When they want a sense of security and love, they simply crawl up in bed beside us or snuggle up right next to us without asking and expect to be held, kissed, and reassured that they are loved. If we tell any of our children to not talk to strangers or to stay close by, they don’t question us for the most part. They see us as their guide and protector.
I don’t know what happens to us from childhood to adulthood. Somewhere in the teens we swear we know it all, and from there we begin to take risks and rely on our own strength. When we do, we fail miserably and the fears, doubts, anxieties, and delusions of life begin to set in for the long haul.
Trust for skepticism.
Optimism for pessimism.
Transparency for reticence.
Humility in lack of knowledge for arrogance.
Wonder for ridicule.
Creativity for status quo.
And, faith for fear.
At one point, I say to Tal, “Can you just rub elbows with mommy so I can have some of what you have?” He joyfully obliges.
As I think of the countless times I am freaking out on the inside, but putting on my brave face, uttering the reassuring words, “It’s going to be OK. You’re going to be OK. Mommy is right here.”
Where am I later? Up early in the morning or having another sleepless night as I journal and pray over my scroll of worries, doubts, fears, anxieties, and trust issues.
Or, the times that I flew off the handle and uttered not-so-nice and loud words and excused myself from the room only to have them check up on me in the bathroom to see if I’m OK.
“I’m OK. Mommy is just dealing with something right now. I’m sorry.”
I pick myself up, wipe my face, lift a few prayers along the way and get back to mom mode.
There are times when I call in a lifeline and speak to a friend who prays me up and gives me the white-knuckle truth I need. Or, I am up late or early in the morning and one of my Pops comes out, and I beg, “Mommy needs time alone. If you want nice mommy, give me time with God.” I lock myself in my room in hopes that at the end of “my time” I will face the day “all in” trusting God.
Take heart, courageous child of God!
What you’ve wrestled and persevered through in the dark, the relentless darts of darkness, will shine in the perfect timing of God’s Light.
Darkness comes before the Light.
Your tears and prayers are not shed and said in vain.
I ask the question,
“How can I be so trusting and confident like him, God?”
“And we have known and believe the love that God has for us. God is love. And, he that dwells in love, dwells in God, and God in him. Herein our love is made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is so are we in this world.” ~1 John 4:16-17
God’s love is made perfect in us and because He is in us we can boldly face our trials. We overcome our trials because He overcame the world, and that power and love is in us enabling us to do the same.
“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear for fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love.” ~1 John 4:18
Tal knew no fear because he was confident, trusting, and aware of God’s love for him, and our love for him. He has known and reassured us countless times from the beginning of his trial in February that, “God’s got this!” And, with that, his MRI results were of no surprise to him and a huge sigh of relief to us, there is no trace or sign of the tumor. It has been completely removed.
“I told you!” he proudly confirms.
There is no perfect faith. There is a faithful Father who loves us perfectly. There is no one that stands unshaken by whatever magnitude of trial they face. There is an unshakable God who enables us to face all of life’s trials. We’re human, and real humans wrestle with fears, anxieties, depression, oppression, rejection, and brokenness. Real humans who want to get well, don’t hide behind masks displaying bravado when it’s just a pretense. If we want that child-like faith, we must go all in like a child in our parent-child relationship with God.
It is where we will find…
It’s available for me and you,
Today. Tomorrow. Everyday.
Are you ready to go all in with God? Because He is more than enough for whatever trial you will ever face.
You are loved,