First, thank you for sticking with me. I appreciate you all more than you know!
I share this news reluctantly…
I have been serving other gods.
Yup. I have.
I have become quite familiar with these gods, their names are:
Around Mid-April when the sun was shining through the trees in our front yard and the wind was but a comfortable cool, I sat outside watching my children play. They were each on their bikes going down the hill of the road that sits in front of our home, and each time they did, my heart would jump within my chest. After a few minutes of observing her momma, my keenly aware middle child and daughter, sat right next to me and placed her hand on my thigh. She cocked her head up and looked up at me, observing my anxious demeanor and said,
“They’re going to be just fine. They’re kids. They will fall and get hurt, but it doesn’t mean something bad is always going to happen to them.”
I looked at her, drawn to the wise and comforting words of what was then a 9 year old girl little girl and said, “Is it that obvious?”
“Mom, you can’t do this to yourself. You have to trust God. You have to go to Him with this fear of yours and get it out.”
Get. “It.” Out.
But how? It was in my head, consuming my thoughts, feeding me an endless buffet of frightening visions.
This was not my first battle with the enemy and his kingdom, but this year it felt like a long, drawn out war.
As a result of listening to the enemy’s lies and locking in on the terrifying visions that were sent by his kingdom to torment my mind, I was diagnosed with panic attacks and anxiety. At one point, a doctor had shared that I might be suffering from PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Therefore, per the medical community’s instructions and with much reluctance on my part, I began to take prescription medicine for anxiety over the summer, as well as, a bunch of natural medicines to help bring my serotonin and cortisol levels back into balance. In short, I was becoming paralyzed with fear.
2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has NOT given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.”
Fear is a spirit, and it is obviously NOT a spirit of God’s kingdom because God did not give it to us. So, If God didn’t give us this spirit of fear then, who did?
Satan and his kingdom,
Who are also the enemies of every child of God.
Fear is the opposite of faith. Faith is a fruit of the spirit of God. My “issue” was that I was not walking in faith and believing God over the enemy’s lies of torment. And, because I would allow the enemy to replay the images and constantly rewind the negative and tormenting thoughts, I suffered from severe anxiety.
1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your cares (anxieties) on Him for He cares for you.”
As a result, I had this pain and rumble in my chest, and it would be hard for me to breathe or even take a breath. I felt jittery. At first I thought I was having a heart attack, but when I would go to the doctor, the result was the same; I had a lot of fear, stress, and anxiety.
I knew that I was suffering from some of that prior to the revealing of our son’s brain tumor. I forced myself to write what God was doing; how He showed up in my day, our situation, and with Tal. I was soon encouraged that God was indeed in control and caring for us. It was a walk out process even during that time as I was training my mind to be renewed in trusting God with Tal and our situation.
When the accident happened with our daughter, I was in a much better place. I was more aware of how God was showing up and confident that He was working all things out for AJ’s good and our family’s good.
However, a few weeks after AJ was home and my body was still fighting to recover from physical stress and lack of sleep, I was tormented with thoughts of dread. I was dreading when the next big trial was going to happen. The enemy had me doubting and worried about each time our children would go outside, to a friend’s home, etc.
Would they get hurt?
Was another tragedy going to take place?
Will we lose one of them?
Will my heart endure it?
Our son had suffered a few partial seizures in October and albeit frightening at first, I did what I had been training my mind to do for the past few months – kneel and pray. I knelt with him and together we prayed a prayer. It was a challenge for him at first to voice the words while ticking at the same time, but he fought through it. When we were done, what I had standing before me was a well and brave child.
Each time I chose to believe in God’s ways and will for our lives, I was disarming the enemy’s stronghold within me and replacing it with God’s armor and strength.
Did I fail? Yes, but I got back up and was comforted by this verse:
“God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved.” ~Psalm 46:5
This had become my prayer, my mission.
One day I sat on my bed in my bedroom with my door locked and I confessed each fear and vision that the enemy had tormented me with all these months. God’s Spirit rose up within me and I called them out.
The rumble in my chest was gone, and I weaned myself off all of my medications at God’s leading.
At the end of October, as the leaves began to change color and fall off the trees, I found that my mind had changed and these deep rooted issues of fear began to fall out of the recesses of my heart.
I reclaimed my peace that day.
Although the memory of the trials are there, their sting of pain is no longer present with me.
“For though we walk in the flesh, we do not fight according to the flesh. For the weapons we fight with are not fleshly but mighty in God for overthrowing strongholds, overthrowing reasonings (the enemy’s tormenting ideas and visions for my life), and every high and lofty thing (demonic force, the enemy) that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, taking every thought captive to make it (enemy’s visions, negative thoughts, etc.) obedient to Messiah, and being ready to punish all disobedience (kick out their thoughts, have faith in God and not the tormenting thoughts and visions of enemy for your life), when your obedience is complete. 2 Corinthians 10:4-6
God is faithful to deliver His children if and when they come to Him. I had made the switch with God’s help to bow down to the One true God, and no longer to the spirits/gods of fear, stress, and anxiety.
In my quest to reclaim my life back from the enemy’s grip, I was deeply comforted by the worship song with lyrics below. I had searched the internet for a song that would wash away the destructive remnants of fear, stress and anxiety and allow for healing again. I share my story and the song that got me through the past few months in hopes that you would be encouraged for all the hope and good God has for you.
I share so that you can finally believe that you can also face your fears with God and overcome them in Him!
You are precious, mighty in God, and of great worth,
I have since become a huge fan of Bethel Church Worship!